i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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