Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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