Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
