I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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