her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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