I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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