Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
