I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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