I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
