Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
