So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
