96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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