i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
