Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My balls are so social today.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize
