I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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