If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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