I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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