I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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