i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
