Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
