last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My vagina is officially offended.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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