just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
