Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
