Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
