I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
