God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
