they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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