So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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