you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
