I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
