I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
