$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
