her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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