I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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