i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
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let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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