when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
nutella sex= disaster
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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