when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
