I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
