just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
