You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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