When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
