he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
