i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
