Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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