Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
