It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
