I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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