i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
