I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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