My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
