I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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