Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
