my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
