im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
