It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
