I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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