I think I just saw someone hide a body.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
