I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
