I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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