she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just pee around me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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