I accidentally burped into my bong.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
