Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
